5 wasn’t my lucky number. Let’s try 6.
Recently, another chapter in my life finally drew to a close - Louis finally moved out.
In a few posts he’s blogged about in the past few months, I seem to have been painted as the bad guy - simply because I was the one who broke up with him. Not so much in words, but the overall tone/context says as much.
I’ll also add a disclaimer right here - Of course i’m not perfect. But this isn’t about me.
I made a few thinly veiled references to our slow demise, but here it is. We broke up back in July, and even that was delayed - i’d pretty much made up my mind in January, but was hoping upon hope that something would happen and everything would fix itself - which of course didn’t happen. I’d tried talking to him a few times too, but unsurprisingly, it fell on deaf ears.
Even in February, when we were in Malaysia, Clayton noticed things weren’t right.
From about a week after Louis moved in with me, I started getting surprises. Unpleasant little surprises at how he’d just start expecting and assuming things, or eating, using and wearing things. As time went on, these liberties only increased. I KNOW when you’re in a relationship with someone that you share a lot of things, but this wasn’t simply a case of that. This was beyond anything i’ve experienced with any of my previous partners. You’re probably thinking i’m getting petty, and you might be right if it was just me thinking these things. But other people actually commented to me as well.
I’m not rich, and definitely no sugar daddy (not old enough for a start!). Nor did I have any intention of being in that kind of situation. When he moved in, we agreed on a figure of $300 a month, plus a share of the bills & groceries. A couple of weeks later when his whole family crashed at our my place for his graduation, he agreed to them stopping his living allowance. He’d get a job to support himself, and pay his bills.
That never happened. He made some loose change by buying and selling Playstation 3’s on eBay, but the amount of effort required vs the remuneration was just laughable. Not to mention every time a deal went bad, i’d have to issue a dispute on my credit card - those things take months to resolve. The point is, he never even made the effort to get a job and pay his way - though he’ll deny that, so i’ll rephrase. He never made a proper decent visible effort.
There were a few times where things he did left me seething, as well.
The first one I can recollect right now was how he needed to pay for two subjects he retook in the semester before his graduation. He couldn’t graduate unless they were paid for. The student loan he applied for was declined. And then there was some kind of expectation that i’d help him out ’short term’, which I begrudgingly did - with the understanding it would be paid back, pronto. I should have learnt my lesson there and then, because he didn’t follow that promise. The repayments were on dribble feed, and moneys accumulated went up more than down.
The second was when we were at a (campy gay) friend’s apartment one night, and the housemate of another friend was there as well. I was chatting to him. He’s straight, and I mentioned something about Louis being my partner. Louis heard from across the room, and felt the need to come over and interrupt, ‘clarifying’ that he’s not gay, he’s bi-sexual. I was dumbfounded, and I could see the guy suddenly felt very awkward. He didn’t know what to say. It’s not that he cared one way or the other, he just didn’t realise we were together. So what the fuck?
The third time was where we went to some house party in Southbank, and he introduced me as his ‘friend’. Not boyfriend. Fair enough if it was some straight party, but this was to the very gay host at a gay party. Ashamed? Keeping options open?
The fourth was where I turned up to his surprise birthday party recently (post break up, pre moving out), only I was the one surprised. He was wearing my new jacket, as well as one of my long sleeve tees. Did he ask to wear them? No, because I wasn’t around. That makes it yes by default, no?
He also commented once how cute a gay couple were because they were holding hands in public. Then he said not for me to expect us to ever do that though, because he’s ’straight acting’. Don’t mention it then, rather than rub my nose in it, hmm?
I waited until Louis finished his studies in June - just incase he went off the rails - so I wouldn’t get blamed for him failing his Masters. Inbetween when our relationship reached such a low point that I accepted it wasn’t working in Jan, and actually telling him in July, I stopped caring about many things. I think maybe it was a coping mechanism of sorts, or maybe my subconscious refused to waste any more thought power deliberating on something it’d already decided. After all, emotions are rather draining.
That and also during June, we met another friend. Unless Louis has deleted the posts, you can read all about how Kin evidently drove the final wedge between us. In reality, it was a last ditch effort on my part for us to get out more and socialise with other people with similar interests, as interacting with most of my existing friends didn’t interest Louis in the slightest.
Kin is very outgoing, smiley, talkative, and quick-minded. I thought this might bring Louis out of his shell a bit. (Strangely enough it has, post break-up.) As we met up with Kin quite often over the next month, Louis ended up being more of a spectator on the sidelines. The interaction was mainly between Kin and myself.
It was plain to see - Louis and I had nothing in common anymore. Besides watching a few shows on TV and deciding what to have for dinner, there was very little interaction. E.g., stone cold silence for half an hour whilst driving back home from Box Hill. ‘Comfortable’ silence, my ass.
Besides noticing that meeting up with Kin wasn’t bringing us together, I noticed i’d started developing feelings for him. What was not to like? He was everything that Louis was missing, and more. Most importantly, he wasn’t afraid to be himself. Maybe Lady Luck was handing me an ace card.
I told Kin I was breaking up with Louis, and asked if he’d be interested in getting to know me better - no timeline. Not perfect timing but fair question I thought - from one straightforward person to another.
We seemed to enjoy eachother’s company, and I also sensed there was interest beyond just being friends; but he declined, saying that as he’d met Louis and I as a couple, he’d always see us that way. It’s times like those where you wish you could read minds, to figure out what someone’s really thinking. Even to a best friend, what they think and what they say can be totally different.
I actually wonder that if I had broken up with Louis before I met Kin, if things would have worked out differently between us. But i’ll never know, because it didn’t happen that way. And now, even though Kin says we’re still friends, it’s obviously a bullshit line. I asked him out, he felt weird about it, and now he’s best friends with Louis. Never calls. Never messages. Never replies. Just call a spade a spade, eh? We were passing acquaintances.
It was weird… the day Louis moved everything out.. once all his stuff was gone, I actually felt sad. Up until that point, nothing. But then.. sad. For a minute.
Louis and I _might_ be friends again at some stage in the future, but there’s gonna have to be some lag time inbetween. Too much water under the bridge, and all that. And if we meet for dinner, we will be going dutch on the bill. Or maybe he can just pay the lot. For once.
—————-
Some of the things i’ve described will obviously be how I perceive and feel about things. He’ll see things totally differently. The objective truth is probably a bit of both, or somewhere inbetween.
Currently Playing: Placebo - Blind
13.Nov.08 
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hmm… always thought shit-scared wuz abt ewe changing jobs. shouldha guessed. sorry i missed it. wot’s brought about the sudden rumination?